Three Isn't Enough.

Typing notes at work, mid-afternoon. There aren't any problems. In fact, most of the work is done for the day. I was busy enough for the morning that the afternoon is smooth sailing until going home. Yea, I may have put off eating due to being busy, but that's no big deal right?

I have an obsession where I must complete my notes prior to eating. A meal I was supposed to have an hour ago now. I have some gum in my drawer. I can chew a few pieces until I am done and then I can eat knowing I satisfied my obligation. The meal isn't anything special anyways, just fish.

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One piece of the Trident grazes the tongue, it's sweet, minty, Mint Bliss to be exact, my favorite. One piece is chewed for a few minutes followed by a second. I usually chew 2 at a time anyways due to their smaller-in-size packaging. A few minutes further into my excessive note typing, trying to stay focused, stay on track, completing the final component of my work day. I figure I can throw in a 3rd piece, no big deal. The decision to go past my comfortable 2 pieces is in part due to my lack of food thus far today. A few minutes further, the idea of going all in and shoving a now 4th piece in enters the realm of reality.

Four Pieces of Gum? Even I judge myself for this excess. Four pieces aren't in any body's realm of acceptance. What made me go this far? How am I to balance out my gum chewing? Why does it even matter if I have a full mouth wad of gum, I am not giving any presentation any times soon. Minus the cost of gum and chewing an almost entire pack in a day, it really isn't that big of a deal, is it?

Well, for me, yes. This is a very big deal and as big of a deal as eating an entire pizza or bag of chips. I am indulging my excessive tendency for stimulation versus practicing my ability to tolerate "enough." I have clearly had, "enough" to serve its purpose. Unfortunately, when it comes to my level of satiation, the threshold is never pierced. I know that I have the destructive capability to over eat, over drink, over tell a joke, (just ask my wife about why Ghosts can't have kids), I over do things, it's kind of my thing. This includes food, gum even.

I am not going to naturally find a tolerance and stop, I have to practice it. Just because I dig excess, for which many people do, it doesn't mean it is my excuse. What acknowledgement means is that I can no longer claim ignorance as to why I have these tendencies. I no longer get to dive knuckles deep into a bag of gummy worms as I did as a child or eat an entire box of cereal and justifying the behavior as a "big eater." Instead I know I am trying to fill a void of boredom or lack of stimulation, so I go overboard and find a form of stimulation and run it into the ground. I engage in this behavior until all the gum is gone, the joke was insulted, or I feel sick from over eating.

Something as small as 4 or God-forbid, 5 pieces of some sugar-free gum is enough to indulge the part of me which needs to be managed. The excess in me says more when I know better. I need to flex my logical muscle and allow a little atrophy in my need for stimulation.