Irritability.

The body sits in a chair while the mind is elsewhere. The storm inside a shell, growing increasingly thin as the storm craves more energy than I can provide. Energy consumed inside of me as the storm needs even more space. Not only am I the one feeling this way, but I want others to feel this way as well. The storm wants to break out and destroy other people's day. They are happy and should not be. What is there to be "happy" about? What could possibly provoke a "happiness," like that?

"They must be fake." I tell myself as I look at them filtering all possibility though my own turmoil. 

Nobody cares that much, nobody cares at all, people are only out for themselves, no matter how they distort it. This is all there is to people. 

Sad, but it is what a "bad mood," can do to me at least. I do not know others for maybe they take it easier on themselves. Maybe no matter what, they can see the "good" at all times. I know "good," I know it is in us all, but sometimes I choose not to see it. A reminder of the difference of knowledge and application. It is easy to KNOW but difficult to APPLY. 

How many times in life do we KNOW something that we discount. After all, I KNOW it is cold out, but some form of alternate rebellion tells me to go without a jacket. This irritability with bowing to the whims of the weather and wearing a coat I have to lug around, inconvenient Mother Nature, just selfish. I know that irritability is an emotion and will pass, but yet, I make decisions in this state of mind. I choose to say or do something, knowing damn well I should have just kept my mouth shut. 

This too shall pass, a phrase used in recovery. A phrase we should all use. A phrase that we know, deep down inside of us, for we are all still here. Yet, even at the end of it all, in death, this life too shall pass. Everything passes, even this mood, this feeling that at the time seems to be never-ending and reminding me of other times I have felt the same way. The feeling leaks into my rational thoughts now, driving the ship to believe she has always been irritable and anytime I felt different, it was merely a break from the baseline. 

Depression and anxiety have this insidiousness about them where they infiltrate all parts of our thinking. The mind has to make sense of the thoughts coming to it, so it adapts the emotion as logic. The chemical imbalance that contributes thoughts has to be accepted to be us, otherwise it is foreign and easily discounted. Think of when an idea presented to you and you do not agree with, it is foreign and therefore not adapted as your own. Our own thoughts and the feeling behind them are ours and therefore have to be accepted as such. Leaving us to believe as much as logical thinking that I am this depressed and glass half-empty person. 

Only takes one...

Again, we are not our emotions, though we feel them, and we should. One person says depression is anger turned inward, another says its just a chemical imbalance, and yet another chooses not to recognize depression as anything physical. What your brain feels, how you feel, whether it is pain or hurt, or sadness, or suicide it is driven by emotions, an emotion that will pass. 

Hope means expectancy when things are otherwise hopeless. - G.K. Chesterton