Two Hundred or Three

Years ago in a mindset far far away...

So I ate the oatmeal, that is about 300 calories. I had the yogurt too, that is about 110, about a hundred I guess. Then I ate the fish and the almonds, that was another 400. I'm not going to count the spinach leaves, I will leave those out, well, I did have some hummus with them, OK another 100.

Now, the total is....

The mind races too quick to interpret, the numbers like a Rain Man example playing inside the mind. All numbers, their quantities, their times, their circumstances, the feeling afterwards, what I had last week, what I had before that, the last time I felt this way, all thoughts the mind is forced to remember. The mind can do all of this because it is sacred. It is sacred of losing. Losing control. Losing the competition of life. Losing this facade of self that only the same mind that controls, sees.

"Hello, I am Luke and I enjoy reading books, writing, and I go to the gym a little bit." (insert awkward laugh)

If they only knew. If they could comprehend the amount of neural activity that is dedicated to the gym and all its hassles. If they knew they would never go themselves. If they thought that what I thought was the standard to receive attendance points, then nobody would subject themselves to that type of torture. Also, if they knew, I might be locked up, or at the least, given a pill, another one, not the subtle one I take now.

Distractions works sometimes. I can retrain the brain to recognize when my obsession is kicking in. I do this, but sometimes, when I really feel out of control or ate one thing out of place, I have to count. I count the numbers in their assumed forms, some under assumed, some over, but I can at least justify that I do not need the EXACT number, that would be weird. (entered nervous laugh again) I am not weird though, I am not THAT guy. I don't weigh my stuff anyway. Plus, who needs to weigh when you have been doing this for as long and obsessed as I have. My mind's eye weighs everything and I believe that my numbers are pretty accurate. Not good enough for others because they trust machines, but it settles the angst that can come about with uncertainty.

A standard I am thankful to relinquish. 

Ah, it is getting close to bedtime. I can start to relax. I can remind myself at the end of a long, over thought day that I am, "Not that bad," and these obsessions are merely a part of me and not the whole thing. Each morning I start with the same beliefs, that today will be new and I will be free from obsession. I do not have to wash my hand 12 times. I do not have to shut the door 5 times. No, I only have to fit in a routine of things that give me value and if I somehow cannot, then I must dwell on it as my punishment. The worst parts of the day are sandwiched in between peace. The beginning and the end are two pieces of contentment with the worse peaking early afternoon. Don't worry I am at work, away from family, I can toil away inside my mind as long as I get peace when I come home.

Not how you think it is.

This is a sample, a taste, of the obsession that came with wanting an ideal body. I wanted to be obsessed at one point. I wanted to know what I was doing and follow it to a "T." I wanted to be this monotonous routine of a man who others would ask questions to because apparently I know what I am doing. The random question comes about nutrition and I no longer have any quick answers, there is too much explanation needed to thoroughly answer the question to my own standard.

Oh well, this is a part of me, it is not me. I do have the choice to obsess or remain mindful. The balance occurs each and every day. I have the choice of what to do, how much I allow some miscalculation affect me, and what I do with the feels that are inevitable. This is not a story of torture, but a story of success. I am able to see these things, recognize them, accept them, and work with them. I believe that a detriment is a gift just in the wrong situation. For me, I have a gift to be able to think things through, obsessively, sure, but in many ways it has allowed me to work and relate to the people.

You can tell it is getting nighttime, I am finding peace once again. Thank you Lord for the gifts you've given me.

If you want to read more about my own body image disorders, the obsessions, and how I was able to gather a peace unknown before, click here. 

"We are not trying to command ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to be proud of us, so that you may be able to answer those who take pride in outward appearance and not what is in the heart." - 2 Corinthians 5:12