Audible on the 2.4 Mile Line.

It sounds so much easier in texting. 

My chest is sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, no vomit on my sweater and no spaghetti, but there was an overwhelming feeling of dizziness I ignored which evolved to utter fatigue. Exhaustion sets in as I am here, in the dark, 2.4 miles from the house. This means, 2.4 miles from destination, from safety.... 

I decided to try out my renegade skills, my overconfidence in my body to survive on minimal. I chose to push past the initial tingly hands, and spots in my vision. I am not "training" today as much as I am mentally preparing myself. I have a run next week where I dedicate 10 miles, broken up into spurts. I made this decision back in March, a time so far away from now that I figured "I'll get around to actual training." Though I run on the treadmill, lift weights, I haven't done any "long runs" outside for a long time. This week, today, I planned on a "long run" just to remind myself.

Waking up at 4AM isn't anything special. Waking up at 4AM and deciding what to eat for "just a run," now that is a little different. I eat pretty restricted carbohydrates, just because it works for me, it helps me think clearer and seems to lower my anxiety. All of the mental health benefits, however this also means a compensation in performance. I choose 2 gluten-free waffles, just to make the digestion a little easier than some heavy oats. So, I'm drinking coffee, eating these 2 overpriced round pieces of carbohydrate (how I see them) and minimize my own need for a protein source. "It'll be a quick run, and I'll be right back." This my justification for not needing much this morning, this and I was really into my book and put it off until I was about out the door. A complacency in food is something new to me, because before it dominated all my thoughts. It's nice in its own way.

Five AM it's dark, I put on an old playlist from back in the day, mostly consisting of Fallout Boy songs, they get me amped. I check the Fitbit on my wrist occasionally, just because I like to see my steps/score go up. I'm now like my own video game, but instead of Mario accumulating coins, I am catching steps. No matter how skewed the measurements on this little device is, more is better. My goal today is 6 miles, but I figure I could do 7-8. My philosophy on running is to run away from your destination and then you have to get back so you have no choice. Instead of turning right, I went left. Even after the initial spots in my field of vision started to form. I didn't think too much into it.

Um...no filter and almost no maky home.

2.4 miles is approximately where I was, or what my watch said when I had to stop. No, this was not as dramatic as a movie where I crumbled or threw up, but the undeniable feeling of being disconnected from my body made me more nervous than anything. Then I realized, "I didn't eat enough." I know I ate the right thing to settle a stomach because my stomach didn't hurt, however I was so overly fatigued and dizzy, that the regret on decisions I made yesterday, the day before, the week before even, my habits, my change in foods, my overworking out yesterday followed by inadequate recovery, all of it with the straw on the camel's back of not enough, led me here. I am now standing at an intersection just past a dark apartment. I look at the road I just came from, it is long, straight, and full of hills. I have no phone, no shirt, and I am sweating excessively for a cool breeze has me feeling slightly chilled now. It is at this moment I concede and start walking back home.

Another philosophy of mine is just to keep moving. Standing in regret does not help me, however by just walking towards where I need to go, no matter how slow, gets me there quicker than not. This, a philosophy in the gym as well, "just keep moving." So, I start my walk, immediately realizing how far this walk is in actual distance, approximately 2.4 miles, and how long it is going to take to walk.

A block into the trek back, approximately past the apartment building now, I am ravishing. I messed around  with my blood sugars too much and apparently the 35g of refined, though gluten-free, carbs were just enough to bring blood sugars up, no protein to sustain, and not enough readily available glucose from yesterdays, also low-carb day, also the day before that and the one before that, etc. Like I have said before, I get excessive on things, all-or-nothing here.

As I walk a little further, the darkness feels darker, the streets more isolate, and as fatigue fails to wear off, I feel an increasing sense of hopelessness. Now, I do not want to be dramatic, however at certain moments, due to no people, no food, no water, and no communication with anyone (phone was at home) I really felt like the TV show Naked and Afraid. I just imagined my naked body talking into a camera, hair looking all crazy, beard a mess, and my sunken-in face talking about how weak I am. Dang, what have I done?

Again, a little further. I swear to you I started looking for food on the ground. Eventually I came by a "strip mall" with a coffee shop in it and I seriously debated going to the dumpster and seeing if there was any left over bread. I weighed the pros and cons and the only reason I didn't was because it might have took too much energy and not delivered anything. The quality of the food and where I would have found it made no difference to me.

I walk a little further, still looking straight ahead mostly, but glancing at the ground thinking I could find some sugar source to just get me feeling better and home, for the physical act of walking is not getting any easier. My mind is now dancing around sitting and waiting for my body to catch up versus continuing to walking, with just a hint of "maybe I could force a run to get home quicker." This last thought squished immediately as I look at the hill ahead.

I see a Skittle's wrapper, empty. A hope that red packaging provided was gone synonymous with the ripped opening sack showing the all white inside, no sign of any, dare I say it, sugary goodness. I clearly know what I need. I know why my mind is focused on sugar, I have not had enough, not for this anyway. Not for this activity or constant determination I thought I could just will. Heck, I have spent many a years providing information to people only to not take my own advice, my own ignorance telling me to "just push it."

As I reach the top of the hill ahead a girl runs past me. I jumped to the side without moving. It was like mentally leaping without the energy to do so. She did scare me though, for I thought I was all alone. She was thin, tattooed, wearing headphones. As she jogged a ways ahead of me, I had to fight jealousy because I was walking due to my own ignorance and failure to perform and here she was, just casually blowing by me.

My view, pretty much. 

I changed my music from the Fallout Boy, amped up music to Lauren Daigle, a Christian album for some inspiration. I like how she sings, and right now I need more than I have to give. I asked God for some help, but then some recently learned words came to mind read in C.S. Lewis Mere Christianity. Now, this is not a quote, but what I got from it. When we ask God to help us with things, we expect him to just help us with that thing, after all, asking for help from God is a noble thing correct? Yes, however to change one thing we wanted, he has to change all things contributing to that. For example, I have a difficult time with balancing time, energy, food, etc. So, when I ask for help that means to me that to get my attention, God has to slow me down. For me, right at the moment of fatigue and admitting failure and having to accept it on a long, fatigued-walk home, this meant admitting my imbalances in food and imbalances in where I put my efforts. I claim to want to be something else, yet here I am daily contributing to things that I no longer want to define me. Over thinking what to eat and how to stay lean versus the actual goal of performance, for example.

Now, this whole concept is much bigger than just food and exercise, however for this long walk home, and for the sake of this turning from an idea to a small novel, I will keep it at that.

So, I realized and thanked God, truly thanked him for the reminder, even in my fatigue and defeated state. I can look at what happened to me out here, or I can be appreciative that I can still walk. What if I did stumble physically and couldn't walk, then what, scream for help? No, I believe God wanted to send me a message to remind me about balance. I heard him. No, not everything I believe was a "sign" this morning, though I did walk past a sign on a church advertising for a "Youth Pastor." Um, I didn't get a feeling that is what I was supposed to focus on, though I did stay open to whatever. After all, I was too broken to admit I knew better on anything this AM.

At the top of the last hill, I can see where I will turn right, leading me home. I can see the lights on the intersection I will turn before. Also, I think I could still see the girl running, though a good distance away, I wondered if she stopped because I would have figured her further away. On the way down, I did start to feel better, which I knew would happen sometime as my body caught up, just wondered how long. I was even able to jog a bit, I would assume the last half mile, a slow jog, but hey, I'll take it. In fact, my old thinking kicked in as soon as I felt a little relief and I thought that maybe I could go a bit farther. Then I felt a little tinge of fatigue and was like, "nah, God got me this far, he doesn't want to have to knock me down again to get my attention."

I went home. I walked in the door. Immediately I ate some of those heavy oats I avoided earlier. I drank a bunch of water, ate some fish, I don't know why I chose fish honestly, but salt did sound good. Then I laid down. I put on the thunderstorm Youtube video I found (awesome for reading or writing by the way) and I was able to relax. The abhorrent situation was for a reason. A reason much bigger and much more successful than a run itself.

I failed my expectation, yet I succeeded in learning a lesson I could not have read or discovered on my own. Also, no matter how "hopeless" I felt out there, I never felt alone. I do remind myself that God is there and whatever it is I am doing at the time, it is him through me. Patience was something I used to joke about in youth group as an adolescent, however it is truly a virtue that I have to practice everyday. With patience comes understanding, acceptance, belief in God, all components that I use to not only take my stress away, but a knowledge the allows me to rationalize a chaotic world as man's distance from God.

So, that was my run this morning.