Feels.

As the damp, cloudy day comes to an end, the drive home through the puddles serves as a reminder of the simple joys. The little drizzle cause for the lowest function on my windshield wipers to perform their minor duty. Driving through pot holes and puddles avoiding splashing any on the sidewalk speckled with kids carrying backpacks and their dreaded homework. It's cool, but not cold. The moisture makes the environment appear colder than it is. On this early autumn day, the moisture is welcomed due to the unending heat over the weekend. Work is out, my wife with our daughter will meet me at home. Driving past a couple of holiday favorites of mine, I want to eat.

My hunger is not due to nutrients, but to nostalgia. I want to feel more than this classic autumn sensation I have now. I want more feel-goods that only the fantastic stimulation of festive foods can provide. Foods like breads, cookies, hot chocolate, seasonal candies, even a hot cooked meal full of bread. My drive brings me close to a grocery store for which I know the foods on the inside. I have fogged many a glass cases and stolen many a sniffs from their bakery section. For on this day, sales are sure to be elevated. There is a reason for clichéd seasonal foods. Give the people what they want. People like a good excuse to overeat and putting on an extra layer of clothing for the next few months is definitely a good one.

 

This feeling is safe. Safe until it is not. Safe until nostalgia gives way to craving. When I am no longer satisfied with the rain, the coolness, the reminder of old memories painted with their autumn hues. When the brain desires something more appeasing than a thought. This is the critical moment when I go from appreciation to planning. When the idea of "what would I?" Followed by, "I could?" and next, "I deserve...." All the typical justified beliefs, starting with the one excuse, "it's fall."

 

Growing up I had the sweets. I felt my emotions, but then like a smoldering fire ready to burst was stamped out with pleasure. Then more, and more, followed by a reliance, even until now, a dependence on food to designate the holiday feels. September starts the holidays in my mind. The summer has passed, football is in the air, for which I have minimal investment. I like to wear sweaters. I like when I am at home and the sun sets at 6PM. I like cooler temperatures when I don't sweat through my work attire or regret wearing double layers for that matter. I like the feeling the last 3rd of the year provides. A feeling that I cannot leave alone. I crave more.

 

"Food is essential to life, therefore, make it good."

The craving isn't the unhealthy part, for I am familiar with myself. These feelings are not a surprise. Sometimes I am surprised at how intense they are, but then laugh at the power of the mind. I haven’t relied on foods to satisfy my holidays needs for years now and yet all it takes is one rainy, after-work reminder to trigger this emotion. The part of my brain which links directly to the need for more.

 

I cannot eat my feelings. I learned this a long time ago. If I am feeling something, "good" or "bad," for which nostalgia is the first, then I can live with that. I can sit with the emotions without having to enhance or improve. I can allow the rainy day to exist without having to make it a special occasion reserved for eating.

 

There is nothing wrong with using food to enhance. There is nothing wrong with anything in balance for that matter. However, for me, the way I tend to think, trying to enhance can kill the pure emotions and replace them with artificial and over-stimulating ones. I am allowed to feel, I am not allowed to depend. Dependence on something meant to enhance meant that it took the meaning. Pulled the carpet from underneath my feet, or better yet blew up the whole damn floor. Indulgence, no matter how justified leaves me hopeless at its worst. At its best, reminds me of why I do not do this sort of thing anymore. Why I do not rely on foods to provide the stimulation, synonymous with happiness, is due to a history of letdowns. Like a football team plagued with injuries, high expectations only to be met with a low end of the season ranking.

 

I am aware of my thoughts and what works best in the long-runs now. I know better. Unfortunately knowing doesn't touch emotions. I still fight the unfair comparisons I suspect in others. These are assumptions where they get this and I am stuck here with what, knowledge? At times it doesn't seem worth it. Not only do I know what foods are considered "less than," but more so, I know which foods are considered "insufficient" for me. Other people can get on Pinterest and make a Pumpkin Smoothie with fruit and yogurt. They can drink this supposed, healthy shake, and feel the spices, triggering something different on the ol' buds. Me, there is too much sugar. I have an allergy to sugar much like an AA member has to drink.

 

Yes, I over think it. A problem I am not willing to work on right now. Right now I am saving my energy. I am devoted to working on appreciation of foods, moods, seasons, temperatures, and yes, sweaters. I am focused on being aware of myself, right here, in this moment. Well, the moment I was getting into my car as a few drizzles hit my face, or the feel of a warm house smelling of Autumn scents my wife and I are proud of. Allowing thoughts of "better" to pass for there is no greater or no worse, this moment is all I have and I must soak it in. There is no food that can make this better. I am loved. I am happy.