Have Your Cake and Eat it Too.

A Doughnut cake, different then a cake doughnut.

Doing things you enjoy for the sake of doing them. This, a concept often overlooked, one I personally struggle with.


Ulterior motives linger as I type. Thoughts about how others will receive what I think. I choose my words carefully for I fear this. A pattern throughout my life, a pattern that caused more pain, then pain would allow for. A brutally honest post means others will know what I have feared for so long; what people thought of me. I wanted to be "cool." I want people to think I have things "under control," whatever that means. It took me 31 years to finally realize and accept that I will die one day and that I could have wasted my time on the in-between. This place of not fully doing what you want and not quite doing what you ought to do, a concept taken from The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis. A concept that hit hard.



It's easier to say, "no, I like these things." When in reality I do things for the attention or to remind the world of my relevance. I know others would even see a post like this as the same, for it is a post after all, and does not sit well enough as just an idea. Maybe that is right. Maybe this is a relapse into the behaviors I want to change. Maybe, but this one seems different, feels different. It is therefore different. The motive of this isn't the same, but one of expression without intent. Lack of views doesn't matter. I enjoyed putting the words down. Challenging my technique to be both brutally honest with myself, my intentions, and also practice writing.

The Screwtape Letters, Pg. 90

Doing what you like to do for the sake of doing it no matter what others think or say. Being satisfied without expecting cake later, but having the cake now. If a literal cake is your choice, indulge, that is your prerogative. If by "cake" this means a job or activity you enjoy, indulge, while getting more of it. You can have it both ways, it just might not be in the way you originally thought. Our thoughts after all, are based in matter. Matter, or the collection of atoms to make something "physical," isn't what matters. What we all enjoy, or can at least admit to ourselves is that who we believe we are. Our true motive, intent, the end-game. This person who you have to deal with, can be happy with life all the while experiencing happiness along the way.



I used to believe, and still struggle with, happiness after things.
"I will be happy when I get a good job."
"I will be happy when I get this much money."
"I will be happy when I pay this off or buy that thing."



All physical, material things. Though there is nothing sinfully wrong with the things, it was my motive that was the problem. I would not allow myself to be happy on the journey to happiness. A destination that could not be reached because it wasn't my actual intent. My intent was to achieve, a prideful thing among my peers. I thought achievement meant happiness. I read this book, helped this many people, did this school class, when the only one I was trying to prove achievement to was me. In reality, I blocked happiness because I felt it would get in the way of my "drive."

The Screwtape Letters Pg. 89

Wrong. Instead of being happy, I was miserable. I had to realize that my perspectives were askew. Realizing is just one part, continuing to work on said parts is another.


These concepts are not "done" now. They have to be checked everyday. This is not a happy ending-story where things are all better now, but a break, a pause in production to be happy and appreciative now. Yes, I have a bigger destination for goals, for joy is a journey on the road to something greater. I believe that on the road to being a better version of me, I can feel joy knowing my motive.



Sometimes I feel so under qualified to be a counselor. I feel like there is so much book knowledge and experience in life that a person would have to live 1000 human lives to begin to understand a person and all their intricacies. For this reason, I have to reach higher than me. Higher than the books of this world. I have to tap into something that is already deep inside of me, no matter how far I have to dig. I, just like you, have an inheritance for loving other people, relating to them, making them feel loved in the process. Not just by saying it, but by showing it.



The superficial in me wants to conclude this, however the part that is growing knows there is no conclusion or advice, just this. These words, thoughts, ideas, perspectives of mine on a joyful and innately happy journey to something greater. I hope that your road is a positive one, but then again you are in charge of that. Do it for your own self and not what others think is best. This is not a millennial thing, but a concept often spoken, not lived. Do what inherently makes you happy.



Dang, I guess that was kind of a bow at the end. Well, it goes with the theme, cake and all.