Goodies Galore.

The week between Christmas and New Year’s was like an extension of Christmas itself. There was all the same foods, for my mom made plenty. The decorations were still up and active. The gifts were all opened  and Santa resting from his busy night, and most importantly I was out of school and my various school-related activities. It was like for that week the world lie in this slumber of jammies and food. The food at my house was the best obviously and I made it my purpose to see all of those goodies be put to good use. My aunt Cindy always made the puppy Chow and made it by the pounds. This powdery-sugary, peanut-buttery goodness was in excess and one of the last sweets to go. 

I can recall sitting on my bed with nothing better to do than to take a styrophome divider plate and take all the goodies I wanted to stuff in that night. As a child I would grab and eat, but as an adolescent my prep work became my hobby. I realized the mindless eating made me feel miserable, but controlled chaos allowed me to feel better, more civilized maybe. I would section out the individual sweets, with the Puppy Chow in the biggest area and store it for after some small meal of a little bit of left-over ham. This meal part was more based on obligation to actually eat something of substance, but in my head to justify the food yet to come. 

Overeating wasn’t just my main source of entertainment, but at the holidays, it was the reason to celebrate, especially after all the gifts were opened and played with. Also, as an adolescent I received more clothes and video games and less actual toys. Me being not very good at video games and easily frustrated meant relying back on my old go-to for stimulation. I can still see the peanut butter balls, the Hersey Kiss cookies, the bars that you had to cut out of the pan and were messy. The desserts that on Christmas day were not good enough like fudge or some experimental cookies, were now center stage. I would eat until my plate was clean, my heart desired, or just got plain sick. Then I would do it again the next time, the same way, and with the same cookies, until they ran out. 

Typically by New Year’s Eve the Christmas goodies were all gone, but that meant new ones had to be purchased. New Year’s Eve in our home was a celebration of, you guessed it, junk food. I can recall the various kinds of cheese and crackers I connived out of my mom. I can recall the desserts in various shapes in their store bought packages. I can also recall hidden bags of candy whipped out to taper off the stomach from an excess of pizza. 

By the new year I was a new me, or at least an enlarge version of it. I never remember what my weight was, or what I added, but I do remember that the TV made comments about the average holiday weight gain, and I felt justified in my behavior. I felt as though everybody gets fat, so I can too. I thought I was in god company, this until I became a grown up and saw the company I was in. Excess eaters aren’t bad, there is no judgement, however I like control, I like discipline, I like to not feel sick, and so I like to be around the people who like the same things. I like to talk about food in a way where there is enough. I like to wake up in the morning without a stomach ache. I like the fact that I am no longer remorseful if I have a holiday season where there was not 14 different kinds of cookies. I liked them too at the time, but now, just like friends, I can pick my own. I am no longer privy to the excess array of choices, but then again, I am no longer privy to diapers either, my life’s quality has not declined for either one. 

Mom, God blessed your giving and crafty soul, however for me, I know my tendencies and how I perceive my own problems, and for me, i need to simply avoid. My brain thinks too quickly for my body to react and instead of one and done like my wife can do, I am one and more. I am one and done on my concentration, after the taste I want the whole everything. I want the Keebler cookies tree dumped in my mouth. I want my mom to be enslaved in a kitchen with unlimited baking supplies because I know there is never enough. Just like a healthy marriage, in both sickness and health, my mom’s cookies and I had a marriage where I eventually had to leave. They made me sick and I ate more to try to get healthy. They distracted me from my pain and they were my friend when I didn’t have to leave the house. 

Notice your patterns, your behaviors, what you feel like, what your thoughts are, notice how foods affect you. Can you have one and be done? Without excuses can you admit that when you are around food that it becomes all you think about? It is for me. Even in the absence of food or stimulation. I still look back on my childhood with a remorse that I will never be able to do that again. I will never be able to consume a plethora of sweets, not without a mental sickness, or a relapse into previous starving behaviors for days at a time. So yea, you could say I have found the greatest gift in all of this process with the fuel of the holiday foods to remind my of their effect. For this gift is invaluable and I wouldn’t exchange it at Target for a giftcard, no matter how much? 

Well, unless they are selling childhoods at half off, I might get two of those.

Check out the whole life story and where all this bingeing led to. Here.