Perverse Self.

Sacrifice for ourselves, or for what we perceive others to see in us. Sacrificing for something greater, something we don't yet allow ourselves to see the value in. Maybe we don't see the value because we are living too dumbed down, to unable to see what is and has always been right in front of us? Maybe we like to be in this ignorant state because to admit the truth would hurt too much. After all, isn't change a difficult thing, like pain is a difficult thing? Is changing more difficult than pain and therefore we admit to living in our own wretched state unable to alter perspectives outside of ourselves?

We want the good and pleasurable yet we have it, get more of it, have more on the horizon, and still here we are miserable and seeking. We seek alternative jobs, alternative communities. We seek alternative sex partners, alternative drugs and scenes. We seek alternative TV shows or projects. We seek more money, a vacation, getting to know different people than our old friends. We continue on this journey, seeking, looking, wandering but its all aimless. We, like a small child, do not know what we want, we only know we are discontent. Do we not see this? Have we really only grown small skips from our childhood selves, or is the only thing we have improved on is the pride to present better?

As kids we cried for discontent at least recognizing it. Now we are to cover it up, manipulate and even trick ourselves to think that we are OK, denying what is right there. We are not OK, and much like the children do, we are throwing our own embarrassing temper tantrums. We are no longer lying on the floor screaming, but we are spending too much money when we know better. We are over eating, trying to reach satiation. We are looking outside of our marriages for the approval of another where we can get our superficial shot of them recognizing us, well our presentation of us at least. Like an old car salesman knowing what's under the hood, yet skirting around any question relating to it.  

The kids know better, for they always have. They are the closest thing to heaven. Adults are closer on the other end, the end after our time here has altered our conscious desires that we justify as, "survive." Adults grow in world intelligence, put a reliance on money as though a nicer car, a better house, more tattoos (guilty) will be the thing that alters future selves. Yet, still down, look at the house, the car, the tattoos, and you realize that a discontent mind erases all the value of those things. Like buying a piece of fine art, you have to have the paid price on it at all times because otherwise I might not give it the same value. 

We want other people to know, when we ourselves don't even know. We continue to either cover up or are really that ignorant, in which case we are no better than the small child. Other people's approval sets us up (even in our own minds) as a leader or at the lease an equal in our groups. Every once in a while we need a reminder from others that we count for something because we do not allow our own vote to matter as much. We need others to see what we've done, recognize the promotion, see the stuff we bought. We want others to say something in envy of it, to an extreme, we almost WANT them to hate us in spite of it. After all, when mere recognition no longer suffices, then we need to get a larger feeling, more of a reaction. We claim peace, yet we continue to advance ourselves away rather than towards. People have no choice but to turn on us, for they too are hurt by the growing difference between what you have and what they have. Like my brother whom I love dearly but do not see often. I found it easier to dismiss him, even when he was around because I wanted all of him, or nothing. 

We are not content as a whole. Many of us are individually, or at least striving for it through means of purity. Through giving of ourselves to benefit anybody but. 

If there is a discontent here, if there is anxiety, depression, a unsettled feeling within, craving more, maybe it is time for something different. Maybe this time, instead of solving a superficial inadequacy try going a bit deeper. After all, you have nothing to lose, you are the one living in your own hell. It doesn't have to be that way. 

Now for my superficial part. If you know anyone who is struggling with a superficial aspect of their own body image, I did write a book regarding my own experience and yes the redemption portion can help too. Again, this is my story, but maybe it can at least let you or ones you love know they aren't alone. Click Here.