Pizza Break

Years ago in a mindset far far away... So I ate the oatmeal, that is about 300 calories. I had the yogurt too, that is about 110, about a hundred I guess. Then I ate the fish and the almonds, that was another 400. I'm not going to count the spinach leaves, I will leave those out, well, I did have some hummus with them, OK another 100. Now, the total is.... The mind races too quick to interpret, the numbers like a Rain Man example playing inside the mind. All numbers, their quantities, their times, their circumstances, the feeling afterwards, what I had last week, what I had before that, the last time I felt this way, all thoughts the mind is forced to remember. The mind can do all of this because it is sacred. It is sacred of losing. Losing control. Losing the competition of life. Losing this facade of self that only the same mind that controls, sees. "Hello, I am Luke and I enjoy reading books, writing, and I go to the gym a little bit." (insert awkward laugh) ...

Yes, Christmas is over and the insufferable forcing of Christmas nostalgia can be once again, allowed to rest. But, just one last time, "Baby it's Cold Outside." When a title rings true (and it is still within that week after Christmas), then it has to be repeated. Here in Nebraska (for those of you who do not know where these come from), it is very cold. Bitterly cold in fact. Another bitter fact, water freezes. Yes, at zero degrees Celsius the molecules in water slow enough to go from a liquid to a solid state. The solid state is larger in mass than the free-flowing liquid state and therefore the pipes that transfer the liquid state of water get clogged with a size too large to manage, and PPPsssshhhhhh (what I imagine spraying water sounds like). A resurfaced photo of our basement that one time. Dad swears I didn't take the hose off the spout.  Even in the gas state water can become problematic, (just watch the Festivus episode of Seinfeld). For my dad, he kno...

Getting what we deserve, at best, means getting nothing at all. This, no matter the contribution. A hard truth to face yet one we must humbly accept. Either we admit we were short-changed, or we admit that we were entitled to nothing, which ever is easier for you to swallow and digest is yours for the choosing. Why would I make a claim like this? Why would we not be entitled to at least some things in life? After all, are we not, "good people" who deserve to be treated as such? Are we all the buttholes we see on TV and want nothing to do with? en·ti·tle·ment inˈtīdlmənt,enˈtīdlmənt/ noun the fact of having a right to something. I believe now, as a father, that I did pretty well as a child and that I am entitled to more than my siblings. This a joke for reference (I wasn't that good). My brothers would argue that I received my entitlement, with interest. This expectation did not stop in the home, but transferred to how the world needed...

I am one now. I have a child and for the first time, I have an obligation in which I am no longer, "Free to do as I wish." This feeling isn't unique, for parenting is as natural as a bowel movement. We have our own lives for a short while, a trial run to see if we can take care of ourselves first. We are supposed to learn, not just to care, but discipline and be an example to. We are expected through some divine force, without a manual mind you, to contribute with the greatest gift we have to offer; an extension of ourselves. My father did the best he could. He raised four boys in a household of chaos, discontentment, and on the other end, this time now, we are alive, well, and in touch. Sure there are things easy to piece apart, things my experience in counseling has led me to see, things that my siblings wouldn't see, things they shouldn't see. We are free of jail, all limbs in tact, work, and contribute in some way to the positives more than the negatives of...

The week between Christmas and New Year’s was like an extension of Christmas itself. There was all the same foods, for my mom made plenty. The decorations were still up and active. The gifts were all opened  and Santa resting from his busy night, and most importantly I was out of school and my various school-related activities. It was like for that week the world lie in this slumber of jammies and food. The food at my house was the best obviously and I made it my purpose to see all of those goodies be put to good use. My aunt Cindy always made the puppy Chow and made it by the pounds. This powdery-sugary, peanut-buttery goodness was in excess and one of the last sweets to go.   I can recall sitting on my bed with nothing better to do than to take a styrophome divider plate and take all the goodies I wanted to stuff in that night. As a child I would grab and eat, but as an adolescent my prep work became my hobby. I realized the mindless eating made me feel miserable, but...

When we slam out fingers in a door, drop a coveted glass, fray our shirt on the corner of a desk, forget something because we were too busy, get frustrated siting in the car in stalled traffic, irritable from simply waking up, what exactly are we upset about? I get that emotions come up and that there are justified emotions, though what I do not get is misplaced emotions that we want to have a destination, don’t. What happens when the aforementioned things slip out of our perceived control and we are stuck with a consequences that just seems unfair? We have the right to get upset, we have been done wrong, but why and at who, and where did this once benefit our species? Was I able to survive on this planet through the same mechanism that cannot stand to sit and wait in traffic? Did humans all feel the need for warmth to where when my sweater gets caught on the corner of my desk pulling that one strand awkwardly out that it threatened my survival? Do I feel “the universe” is out to get ...

Sacrifice for ourselves, or for what we perceive others to see in us. Sacrificing for something greater, something we don't yet allow ourselves to see the value in. Maybe we don't see the value because we are living too dumbed down, to unable to see what is and has always been right in front of us? Maybe we like to be in this ignorant state because to admit the truth would hurt too much. After all, isn't change a difficult thing, like pain is a difficult thing? Is changing more difficult than pain and therefore we admit to living in our own wretched state unable to alter perspectives outside of ourselves? We want the good and pleasurable yet we have it, get more of it, have more on the horizon, and still here we are miserable and seeking. We seek alternative jobs, alternative communities. We seek alternative sex partners, alternative drugs and scenes. We seek alternative TV shows or projects. We seek more money, a vacation, getting to know different people than our ol...

The natural gas flame flickers blue amidst the fake fire.  The tree, a mess from a 2-year old’s desire.  A piece of a chewed-up decoration appears underneath,  the chair covered in fur, and what’s this, a skewed piece of wreath?  The smell of broccoli and eggs fills the air,  As a child is screaming “Uh, no, not over there.” A wife trying to get in a few exchanges on a SIMS game  While dad stands awaiting the latest TV fame.  A lower-middle class all snug in their house,  while visions on Food Network dance all about.  Mom in her gym pants and me wearing shorts  have just settled in from a work day of sorts.  The feeling is rest, but no rest will be had,  The child is upset and dare I say it, being bad?  What can this family do but appreciate the time,  all that is left is an hour till 9.  Bed is at 8:30 and the night lingers on,  it’s hard to appreciate, but when we do...

Pain and sacrifice oftentimes go hand in hand. Now, I am no expert on pain for I have done whatever I could in life to avoid it. I run from conflict. I manipulate situations to ease the initial blow. I have a tendency to justify my own behaviors no matter how blatant so that it doesn't sound so bad. I have mistakes in my past that when retold can be said in such a way where observers can agree, "Well, you probably had to." Sadly, I know better now. For some gift of insight, I have always known. Jealous of others whom got to look past themselves and didn't over-analyze their actions or further inward, their intent. I was always aware of mine. Even as a youth, picking on my brothers, bullying them for my own entertainment. I knew I was dissatisfied with myself and the external stimuli of a brother's frustrations was entertainment, a distraction, for a little while at least. When picking on my brothers wasn't available, or enough, food then became the autom...

Our minds are this wonderland of compensation. OK, let me start over, my mind is a wonderland of over compensation. OK, that seems more appropriate. Initially we all start as good. We are beings brought into this world outside of our choosing, given a purpose of some sort and all is well until we self-actualize. Once we realize what we are doing, what others think of us, how our actions affect others, or, more critically, how others judge or perceive us. Ah, there it is. How others perceive us and define us by some characteristic. It makes perfectly logical sense that we devote a bunch of energy to this and rather than focus on self improvement, such as self-growth and development, we deviate a little. Rather than reading to expand our minds, something not too popular as a youth, or it wasn't for me at least, we hang out with friends and engage in a little risky behavior. Maybe instead of eating the vegetables we know benefit us, we go to McDonalds. Instead of exercise, we wa...

Christmas time is here. Full of joy and cheer. After all, being inundated with Christmas everything, forces the cheer, or at least, the expectation of it. Cheer is a funny thing. It’s defined as  a shout of encouragement, approval, congratulation, etc. So, this time of year means a lot of shouting encouraging words.    “Hey, you are doing a good job at whatever you do with your time!”    Though, if we all receive the same compliment, then aren’t we all equal and therefore nobody is doing better than anyone else? Therefore the worst worker and the best worker are essentially doing the same quality?    Ouch.    Instead of cheer, how about Merriment. Merriment is defined as gaiety and fun. OK, now this word I can get down with. To be Merry is to be fun, which improves life all around. If strong enough you have the power to turn a dull time of year into the magical one. You might be the one catalyst that takes a mundane office holiday sea...